I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
