I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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