Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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