Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
