Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
