How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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