There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
