I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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