YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
