I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
