My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
