I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
