Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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