do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
