Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
