he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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