My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
