I accidentally had phone sex last night
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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