on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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