Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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