my mouth tastes like poor choices
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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