if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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