I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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