he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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