I'm really into asian looking animals
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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