pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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