Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
