my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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