you turned your livingroom into a bong?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
