Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
