I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
