Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
