I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize