I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
