I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
