Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
