It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
i need some magic done to my vagina
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
