If that was your dad, he is hot
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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