someone get that fucking seahorse.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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