I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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