I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
