Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize