Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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