Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
