I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
