She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
