I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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