I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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