new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we're making bets on your personal life
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
