I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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