Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize