He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
