I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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