Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
