We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize