making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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