I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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