you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
