Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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