At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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