just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
