I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
