Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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